Q - My husband of 19 years has his own business with a female business partner.
For the past four years, he’s had an emotional affair with her. He said that he has feelings for her, and he loves her, but that he’s “not in love.”
We sleep in separate bedrooms ever since I found a text on his phone with a picture sending a heart to her.
It stated that he’ll never let her fall, that he wished that she was with him, riding in his car with the top down.
We live in a 3,640 square-foot home, like roommates - no sex at all. No hugs. He also works from home.
I’ve been to counselling, but feel it was a dead end. Just like this marriage, which has taken its toll.
Should I divorce him?
No Sex, No Hugs
A - There’s a lot of room for loneliness to be felt in a large home where there’s no love.
You’ve moved out of the shared bedroom. If you were sure that there’s no chance of reviving your marriage, you would’ve already decided to divorce him.
Instead, you went to counselling on your own, and have sadly lived in chilled isolation. You miss sex and hugs, yet you’ve stayed.
For that reason, I believe you should make a firm, confident approach to your husband that you believe you two can do better than this.
Say that, otherwise, you’re choosing divorce, along with the disruption in housing, comforts, and finances which that will cause both of you.
If he has any desire to avoid a split, he must go to counselling with you, end the emotional connection with this woman, and separate their business partnership equitably.
It’s a hard-ball move on your part, but better than hanging onto a marriage by yourself.
Q - My wife previously had a child (not through marriage). I didn’t mind and married her in the late-1960s. I have two children from her and teenaged grandchildren.
My wife lacks sex education. She’d briefly worked as a nurse but she didn’t work after we married.
We never had a decent sex life. Even when young, we only had sex once in a couple of months She’s no longer interested in it. We now sleep in separate rooms.
I’m 86, and healthy, she’s 84. When I come to her bed, she doesn’t let me touch her. I try to have sex once in a month or two by force, but to no avail.
I feel so frustrated, angry, miserable, and it’s humiliating my manhood, so I don’t speak to her for days.
Do you think I should (or may as well) put up with this situation continuously for another hopefully five or more years, or get rid of this predicament by divorce?
Frustrated at 86
A - Stop using “force” which is sexual assault, a crime for which you can be charged!
Violent, abrasive sex can do serious internal harm to a woman in her 80s, whose vaginal dryness from depleted hormone levels makes penetration painful and prone to tearing.
Your own lack of “sex education” and selfish manner has diminished your so-called “manhood.”
You clearly didn’t know how to woo your wife in earlier years, and didn’t consider getting sexual counselling together.
Divorce in your 80s will be an upheaval, but you’d likely be doing your wife a favour, since you’ll still be obliged to support her financially without her having to bear your “forceful” attempts at sex.
Q - I’m 47, married to a man, 59. We have a son, ten and a girl, eight.
My husband’s business is in a slump and he’s becoming increasingly depressed. He’s constantly grumpy but refuses to get counselling.
My business (separate) also has its ups and downs, but I’ve always been positive, until now. He’s bringing me down.
I can’t change him, and I’m losing the energy to save us.
Spiralling Down
A - Do for yourself what you believe he should be doing: See your doctor to determine if you need therapy or medication to deal with the business pressures, children’s needs, and the heavy atmosphere created by your husband’s apparent despair.
Boost your own natural positivity and strength before you can deal with his.
Your being physically active, enjoying recreation with the children, trying some new business approaches, may spark a response in him.
If not, insist that he see a doctor, who’ll immediately recognize the depth of his depression.
Ellie’s tip of the day
In some marriages, living without warmth or loving touch can be too lonely to warrant staying together.
